Not to regret life

I was in ICU. I noticed bed 3's curtain was up but I had no idea what was going on in there.

Dr R came out behind the curtain, and rang another colleague of mine.

Dr R: the patient had DIED! How do.... * I lost what he said after that, I was shocked*

That lady was a patient of mine for 1 day, she was NPO = nil per oral yesterday. I didn't even have the chance to feed her and she has gone to heaven.

Helplessly, I stood there...observing the environment in ICU with my heart being so STILL.

The Nurses proceeded with their tasks, so was Dr R. I was thinking: Were they immune? It's life we are talking about! As I look around, I realized they just have to...for there were other ICU patients that needed them

With the curtain not fully pulled, I can see the patient on the bed. Her tiny figure shown on the white clothe that was wrapped around the moment, it really look like a present that was so well wrapped and ready to be sent to Heaven...hope she is now filled with peace.

I didn't know when one died, there are a whole lot of documentations and one of it it's called 'DEATH CERTIFICATE'. First time in real life that I heard about it and as the medical team were preparing the documentations, I saw a painful scene.

One of the family member was tearing when she saw her beloved was put into a metal container. I saw that. She peeped and teared, not daring to look at this moment. It was harsh on her. I didn't know what to say to her, I felt like hugging her and cried with her. But...I stood there and watched it for her.

It's life: we come to the world with joy, and leave with tears from our loved ones. I hope she said good bye to her in her heart and wish her for a better life up there.

With what I have gone through this morning, I told myself NOT TO REGRET my life!!!

I cried yesterday, being mad at myself for lacking the courage to trust myself on love. I once invested my full courage on love and it hurt my loved one so much. I was in dilemma and guilt. It has been for years now. Was over that relationship, but I still couldn't let go of the fact that I hurt my family...

FULL...of GUILT is the only way to describe. Even when I pour it out here, uncontrollably, my eyes are filled with tears.

Bloggie, can you show me my COURAGE and TRUST? I want them back to be in love again.


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